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Ephesians 4:2-3 NLT – Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.

It is possible to have peace in your home when there are difficulties. Sometimes we do put up a guard with our spouse so great that it creates more conflict, arguments and unhappiness. After looking back, many times the conflicts we have within a relationship, are small and over things we may be able to accomplish ourselves or over misunderstandings, our own selfishness, lack of communication or not listening appropriately to hear what our spouse is trying to relay to us. We, also allow others to intervene in our marriage which sometimes causes an even greater conflict. Although, others may mean well, this can be a detriment to the marital union. Ultimately, you must remember, that you made the decision to marry this person and you must remember why you married them. Unless it was under false pretenses or very shallow reasons, there was something that attracted you to your spouse, and then caused you to make the decision to marry that person. So, what was it?

If we truly love, we will make every effort to make things work. Whether that means listening when we don’t feel like it, seeing your partner’s perspective without yelling or being aggressive toward them, or just really taking the time to be compassionate without blame and finger pointing. What justice does that serve? We continue to look at the negative things instead of the positive. We hesitate to recognize the kindness in our partner, the willingness to work hard and do what they need to make us happy. It could be in how they interact with you, the daily softness of their voice, but we are always yelling and talking down to that person, being condescending and intimidating them when they are trying to express their genuine feelings. Sometimes, we even blame them for our shortcomings, and they sit and take it, but the problem is actually us. Speaking to friends more gentle than what you speak to your spouse, and treating other family and friends better than what you treat your spouse. Do you think your spouse does not notice? Do you think other people don’t notice? People will not always reveal to you how they feel because they do not want to be involved, they don’t want to take sides or they know your temperament, and know you have the ability to explode on them as well. So, what do they do? They keep quiet while your spouse suffers.

We have to look within and weigh things in the balance. When we get married it is “not just about me, but it is about us.” If we truly want the marriage to work, we must evaluate ourselves first. What are our hurts? what are our past experiences that develop the values, and personalities we have? Have I overcome the hurdle that caused me so much pain before I entered the current relationship? Have I took on a learned characteristic of a family member I lived with as a child? How does this past learned behavior, affect me now? Is it a good characteristic to have? Self-reflection is not to point fingers, but a way of recognition. We recognize our own short-comings, so that we may grow and come to a level of maturity within the relationship where we can see it is not just about me, but about us. How can we grow as a couple? How can the decision that we made to love one another, become stronger? We may not always agree on things, but what can we do together, to work through the most difficult concerns and issues that we face?

No one said that marriage is easy, but marriage can last. What are we, as a couple, willing to do to make it work? The feeling of being “in love” and “enamored” is the newness of a new marriage, but what about the marriage that has had some rocky roads to endure? Sickness, death, financial struggles, work, tiredness, taking care of the family and household, how do these marriages last? The couples do not just give up, because they have decided to make a decision that no matter what, they are going to make this work. They are willing to listen to one another. They are willing to put the spouse before others, giving their spouse consideration and respect in all things. It is not just about me, it is about you, which then, its about us because we are one, and in unity.

Be wiling to listen to your spouse. Just as you may show another family member or a friend respect and compassion, your spouse should receive that respect and compassion first. Be willing to turn off the television and talk. Have a conversation about whatever, laugh together. Don’t let the telephone and social media (Facebook, twitter, etc.) be a distraction from paying your spouse the attention they deserve. To love is a decision, to marry is a decision, to make it work and last for 30, 40 , 50 years is a decision. Ask any couple who has been married that long, they have been through many things together. Some life events were easy and some were challenging, but they made the choice to be committed and to be good to one another. Another huge aspect of marriages that work, are that both spouses, NOT JUST ONE, were willing to apologize. Stubbornness has no place in a marriage, it just causes bitterness, anger, and eventually resentment. Make the decision to love not because of the sexual passion or the physique of a person, since stress physical changes, hormones, age, injury, even medication can cause a spouse the inability to function or even desire. However, choose to love for you have chosen to care for this person through thick and thin. You have elected to dedicate yourself to the well-being of your spouse and the well being of your relationship. If both spouses can work and agree on this, your marriage can be long lasting.

Remember, you can have peace within your marriage. If each spouse can dedicate themselves to putting away the dissonance between selfishness vs. selflessness and agree to the latter, marriages can work. Marriage is a decision, it is a choice. You have chosen each other over all others, so make that choice to care for one another without compromise. Be compassionate, be tender with one another, work to continuously build up the love you had at the beginning of your relationship. Let it not be what some people say 50-50, but make it 100-100. If you both put your all into making each other happy, be willing to say, “I’m sorry,” be tender, communicate often in conversation, pay attention to the expressed thoughts of your spouse, pay attention to their likes and dislikes, be positive concerning your relationship, and lift each other up in front of others, even when you are alone with one another. Finally, most of all, put God first and don’t forget to pray together. Don’t make excuses, just do it.